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chaosonwheelsI think this is the first time you're ever gonna catch me lowkey disagreeing with a BTS concept
I say lowkey 'cause this isn't something you can literally "disagree" on? This is fuckin Artist Culture in a nutshell. All of us feel like this at some point and time. I don't deny that. Maybe disagree isn't the right word. But I really want people to know that that fear isn't rooted in anything real. If you are an artist feeling like you've lost all passion for something you love, and you feel hopeless and lost, I want you to hear me: you cannot lose anything that is woven into your DNA. It is yours forever, whenever. Right now, for whatever reason, you are simply disconnected, or you just need rest (GOD I cannot stress rest enough in artistry). Whatever the reason, I can promise you with certainty that one day, the fog will lift, you'll find your way back, and it will be waiting right where you left it like nothing happened.
I find it ironic that the first BTS song that really hit me in the chest--not a solo song, but them as a whole--was Run, because I was going through this exact problem. I was dealing with Imposter Syndrome something fierce, and there's this line in the song: "This is all I can do anyway/All I know is how to love you". It's the truth of how I feel about my writing, and my worry at the time. This is one of the only things I can do, because of my disability. If I can't do this, what else is there? If I'm not good at this either, then I'm out of options and I'm gonna be stuck here drowning in disabled hell like all my other peers and ancestors and be left to rot, which is everything anyone ever expected of me and now they're right and I'm an idiot for thinking I could be otherwise....Only after mountains of self-reflection and some good ol fashioned therapy, I realized that that pressure was exactly the source of my fears, not my abilities. And I'm a hard believer of that to this day.
The only reason these fears show up is because of one of two things: the Pressures of Capitalism (which I think is absolutely what the boys are facing currently), or the infamous monster that is mental illness, Depression and Anxiety specifically. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and have always struggled with mid to lowkey Depression, but around September I changed birth control pills and it gave me the High-Key Depression. The stuff I've watched my mom and little brother struggle with. I literally could feel nothing and not only did I not want to write, but for the first time I couldn't. Let's say writing is as simple as stringing together friendship bracelets. You got the string and you arrange the beads in a clear, set pattern. You can make or say whatever you want with the beads, mix and match, figure out which ones pair together the best, but the overall instructions are the same every time. One bead in front of the other. But with the Depression it was like someone swapped some of my beads with mushy jello pieces. For every normal bead I managed to get on the string, there was a glob of jello crumbling and sticking to my hands and I had no idea how to make it work. And it was awful. It was like I'd lost the keys to my house and I just wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed. It was only at this point did I realize something was wrong and it wasn't just the normal Mental Illness Feel. Because I may not be able to feel, socialize, get out of my room, or sleep, but I can always write. Especially when I'm at my lowest. It's how I make sense of the world and my own mind and I've never known a life where I wasn't making up stories in my head, either for survival or fun. This is all I can do. I can't speak for everyone, but most of the artists I've talked to who haven't been afflicted with a disconnect say the same thing. Yes, of course we enjoy creating, but we also don't have a choice.
But I was lucky. All I had to do was wait awhile until a new and better BC could kick in, a new key could be sent, and life went back to normal. With mental health care the way it is in the US, and honestly the world, most people with Severe Depression don't have access to the help they need. Instead, they wander around until they find some roof to stay under, not the one they want, and forget the way back home in the first place. To those people, I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, but there is hope. The right direction is etched on your heart. You may not remember now but on God we're gonna get you home back bro. If you have any memories left of what it was like, find someone that reminds you of it. Maybe they know the way, and if not maybe they'll help you find someone who does. If they're gonna leave us out here to rot and die, it's up to us to help each other. I still believe we can save ourselves and find our way to the light if we work together.
I think that's how we got to "Black Swan" in the first place. Once again, BTS are telling us we're not alone, but so much so that they're right there with those who relate, sending out a beacon of help with them. This is an opportunity for those of us who have learned to cope with the fear, who are safe in our houses, to open the doors and help.
In the meantime, if you feel like you lost your passion, and depression either isn't an option or not an option you have accessible care for, all I can suggest is to try this: don't allow yourself to do your art. For awhile. As long as you can stand. Not because you can't, but because you yourself are making the choice not to. Don't talk about it. Don't think about it. If you get an idea, too bad. If it's what you've been spending your time doing, you best find a new hobby. Allow yourself to exist in this absence of art fully. Play hard to get. You never liked it anyway. Over time, eventually, you're gonna start to feel it bubbling at the bottom of your chest. Softly at first, and then rising up your throat until you can barely keep from screaming it. And then guess what? It means you still love it. It means it's still there.
It's not much. But maybe the knowledge that it'll always be there when the fog lifts, no matter how many times you get lost in it, will be enough to endure.
I say lowkey 'cause this isn't something you can literally "disagree" on? This is fuckin Artist Culture in a nutshell. All of us feel like this at some point and time. I don't deny that. Maybe disagree isn't the right word. But I really want people to know that that fear isn't rooted in anything real. If you are an artist feeling like you've lost all passion for something you love, and you feel hopeless and lost, I want you to hear me: you cannot lose anything that is woven into your DNA. It is yours forever, whenever. Right now, for whatever reason, you are simply disconnected, or you just need rest (GOD I cannot stress rest enough in artistry). Whatever the reason, I can promise you with certainty that one day, the fog will lift, you'll find your way back, and it will be waiting right where you left it like nothing happened.
I find it ironic that the first BTS song that really hit me in the chest--not a solo song, but them as a whole--was Run, because I was going through this exact problem. I was dealing with Imposter Syndrome something fierce, and there's this line in the song: "This is all I can do anyway/All I know is how to love you". It's the truth of how I feel about my writing, and my worry at the time. This is one of the only things I can do, because of my disability. If I can't do this, what else is there? If I'm not good at this either, then I'm out of options and I'm gonna be stuck here drowning in disabled hell like all my other peers and ancestors and be left to rot, which is everything anyone ever expected of me and now they're right and I'm an idiot for thinking I could be otherwise....Only after mountains of self-reflection and some good ol fashioned therapy, I realized that that pressure was exactly the source of my fears, not my abilities. And I'm a hard believer of that to this day.
The only reason these fears show up is because of one of two things: the Pressures of Capitalism (which I think is absolutely what the boys are facing currently), or the infamous monster that is mental illness, Depression and Anxiety specifically. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and have always struggled with mid to lowkey Depression, but around September I changed birth control pills and it gave me the High-Key Depression. The stuff I've watched my mom and little brother struggle with. I literally could feel nothing and not only did I not want to write, but for the first time I couldn't. Let's say writing is as simple as stringing together friendship bracelets. You got the string and you arrange the beads in a clear, set pattern. You can make or say whatever you want with the beads, mix and match, figure out which ones pair together the best, but the overall instructions are the same every time. One bead in front of the other. But with the Depression it was like someone swapped some of my beads with mushy jello pieces. For every normal bead I managed to get on the string, there was a glob of jello crumbling and sticking to my hands and I had no idea how to make it work. And it was awful. It was like I'd lost the keys to my house and I just wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed. It was only at this point did I realize something was wrong and it wasn't just the normal Mental Illness Feel. Because I may not be able to feel, socialize, get out of my room, or sleep, but I can always write. Especially when I'm at my lowest. It's how I make sense of the world and my own mind and I've never known a life where I wasn't making up stories in my head, either for survival or fun. This is all I can do. I can't speak for everyone, but most of the artists I've talked to who haven't been afflicted with a disconnect say the same thing. Yes, of course we enjoy creating, but we also don't have a choice.
But I was lucky. All I had to do was wait awhile until a new and better BC could kick in, a new key could be sent, and life went back to normal. With mental health care the way it is in the US, and honestly the world, most people with Severe Depression don't have access to the help they need. Instead, they wander around until they find some roof to stay under, not the one they want, and forget the way back home in the first place. To those people, I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, but there is hope. The right direction is etched on your heart. You may not remember now but on God we're gonna get you home back bro. If you have any memories left of what it was like, find someone that reminds you of it. Maybe they know the way, and if not maybe they'll help you find someone who does. If they're gonna leave us out here to rot and die, it's up to us to help each other. I still believe we can save ourselves and find our way to the light if we work together.
I think that's how we got to "Black Swan" in the first place. Once again, BTS are telling us we're not alone, but so much so that they're right there with those who relate, sending out a beacon of help with them. This is an opportunity for those of us who have learned to cope with the fear, who are safe in our houses, to open the doors and help.
In the meantime, if you feel like you lost your passion, and depression either isn't an option or not an option you have accessible care for, all I can suggest is to try this: don't allow yourself to do your art. For awhile. As long as you can stand. Not because you can't, but because you yourself are making the choice not to. Don't talk about it. Don't think about it. If you get an idea, too bad. If it's what you've been spending your time doing, you best find a new hobby. Allow yourself to exist in this absence of art fully. Play hard to get. You never liked it anyway. Over time, eventually, you're gonna start to feel it bubbling at the bottom of your chest. Softly at first, and then rising up your throat until you can barely keep from screaming it. And then guess what? It means you still love it. It means it's still there.
It's not much. But maybe the knowledge that it'll always be there when the fog lifts, no matter how many times you get lost in it, will be enough to endure.
